A few things about FM You need to understand

[Joe]

1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[apple{JMB}]

The 10 reasons beer is better than sex
1: A beer never talks back
2: A beer never gets jealous when you have another beer
3: A beer always tastes good
4: A beer never has to wash up before you have it
5: A beer never checks out another beer
6: A beer never whines
7: you can always have another beer
8: Beer comes in 6, 12, and 24 packs for maximum enjoyment
9: you never have to wait for beer
10: Beer goes down smooth....

[Witness Despoiler]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day
while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours
while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow
her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the
kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches, drove them to school,
came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the
dog Then it Was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make
the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop
the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do
their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched
TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
Breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher,
folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P .M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores
weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which
he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong

to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please,
oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
"My son, I feel you have Learned your lesson and I will be happy to
change things back to the way they were."
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night."

[sadun]

**laughs** so true Joe so true.

[Joe MacBain]

Witness -smiles- one flaw in that...A REAL Man would not have bitched about working in the first place...He was a pussy and so deserved to live with one for a day.


Love Joe

[Sedim]

*Laughs* hey! but he definitely deserved to live with pregnancy...yeesh!

[apple{JMB}]

peeks in and has a chuckle

[Witness Despoiler]

"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds

40-ish means: 48
Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Affectionate means: Possessive
Artist means: Unreliable
Average looking means: You figure this one out
Beautiful means: Pathological liar
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin
Educated means: College dropout
Emotionally Secure means: Medicated
Employed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian
Financially Secure means: One paycheck from the street
Free spirit means: Substance abuser
Friendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun means: Annoying
Gentle means: Comatose
Good Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
Humorous means: Caustic
Intuitive means: Your opinion doesn't count
In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker means: Lush
Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel means: If you're paying
Loves Animals means: Cat lady
My friends say: Her only 3 friends, me, myself and I
Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement
Open-minded means: Desperate
Outgoing means: Loud
Passionate means: Loud
Poet means: Depressive Schizophrenic
Redhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reliable means: Frumpy
Reubenesque means: You can figure this one out
Romantic means: Looks better by candle light
Self-employed means: Jobless
Smart means: Insipid
Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows
Spiritual means: Involved with a cult
Stable means: Boring
Tall, thin means: Anorexic
Tan means: Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking
Widow means: Nagged first husband to death
Writer means: Pompous
Young at heart means: How about the rest


MEN SEEKING WOMEN"

40-ish means:52 and looking for 25-yr-old.
Affectionate means: Needy and looking for mother-figure.
Athletic means: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN.
Average looking means: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back.
Distinguished-looking means: Fat, grey & bald.
Educated means: Will always treat you like an idiot.
Employed means: On management track at Radio Shack.
Financially Secure means: I will spend some money on you, in return for which
I will expect you to obey my every whim for theduration of your mortal
life.
Free Spirit means: Sleeps with your sister.
Friendship first means: As long as friendship involves nudity.
Fun means: Good with a remote and a six pack.
Good looking means: Arrogant **stard.
Honest means: Pathological Liar.
Huggable means: Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben.
ISO Slim means: Attractive female would be better off with a labrador retriever.
Light drinker means: Headed for AA.
Like to cuddle means: Insecure, overly dependent.
Like romantic walks on means: I read Cosmo and think this is what you the **** wants to hear.
Mature means: Until you get to know him.
Open-minded means: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested.
Physically fit means: I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself.
Poet means: Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated.
Professional means: Owns a white button down.
Reliable means: Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours.
Self-employed means: Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend.
Sensitive means: Needy.
Smart means: Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV.
Spiritual means:Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter.
Stable means: Occasional stalker, but never arrested.
Thoughtful means: Says "Please" when demanding a beer.
Virile means: Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out.
Young at heart means: Pedophile. freezer door.

Evening classes you should attend

Evening Classes for women. Given by experienced Men

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After the Game
Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
Communication Skills: Getting what you want without Nagging
Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
Introduction to Parking
Water Retention: Fact or Fat
Cooking I: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
Cooking II: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have

Evening classes for men. Given by Experienced Women

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other - Helpline and support groups.
Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audiotape.
Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life testimonials.
Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role-playing.
How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

[Sedim]

*standing ovation!*

[Hardalio Carinus]

Interesting reading, really. ~snickers at the "redhead" line~

[Joe MacBain]

LOL

[apple{JMB}]

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around >>like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."

[Witness Despoiler]

Christmas Fruit Cake Recipe

Ingredients

1 Cup water
8 oz mixed nuts
1 Cup brown sugar
1 Cup butter
1 tsp. Salt
2 Cup dried fruit
4 large Eggs
Juice of 1 lemon
1 tea spoon baking powder
1 bottle bourbon

Method

Sample the bourbon to check quality.
Take a large bowl.
Re-sample the bourbon to ensure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl.
Add one tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the bourbon is still okay. Cry another tup.
Turn on the mixerer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry
it loos with a drewscriver.
Sample the bourbon to check for tonsiscency.
Next sift two cups of salt, or something. Who cares?
Check the bourbon.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turnerer.
Throw the bowl out of the window, check the bourbon again and go to bed.

Don't forget to wake up with a major hangover the next morning and
search the house for the fruitcake you so painstakingly baked the night
before.

Favorite Xmas Recipe


This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in
recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we
shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining.

The list of ingredients is as follows:
1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a
tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable
weight.
8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
1 gallon vodka (to numb the elves before you peel them and dice
them).
32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
3 gallons chicken stock.
salt, pepper, to taste.
Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.


Preparation:
Saute the onions, carrots, and celery in a large pan, using some
olive oil, until tender.

Brown the diced elves in the same pan until lightly browned.

Mix the vegetables, elves, bread crumbs, and the chicken stock,
season to taste with pepper, salt and garlic.

Stuff the dressing in the reindeer, then sew the deer shut.

As for roasting the whole reindeer; it is usually difficult to
find an oven large enough to do the job, so you will have to be
creative. My personal favorite is to prop the reindeer up on a
neighbor kid's wagon. Then roll the whole shebang into the local
grouches garage and set fire to the garage. If you can keep the
local fire department at bay for 3-4 hours the reindeer will be
perfectly done. This recipe will serve 175-225 hearty alternatively
inclined diners.

P.S. Never hunt elves in the same area each year. They have long
memories for such little beasties and they won't fall for the
vodka trick two years in a row.

POPCORN STUFFING
(sufficient for a 6-pound bird)
3 cups soft bread crumbs
1 teaspoon fresh thyme leaves
2 onions chopped finely
1 teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons chopped parsley
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon chopped fresh sage
2 eggs
3 sausages
Put the bread crumbs into a mixing bowl with the onion. (Coarse onion will not cook, so cut it finely). Add the chopped herbs, salt and pepper, then stir in the eggs until all is lightly bound together. Use this to fill the cavity of the bird, allowing sufficient room for the popping corn to be packed in last. Use the sausages to fill the neck cavity of the bird. Pack the stuffing in hard. Use small skewers to secure the skin of the bird over the stuffing.
To roast the bird: Place the bird in a greased baking dish and pour a small quantity of melted butter over the top of the bird and cover with foil (allow sufficient air gaps). Baste frequently as this helps develop an even glossy golden brown skin.
HOW TO DETERMINE IF THE TURKEY IS COOKED
• Skin will be a golden brown colour
• Temperature button (thermometer) will have popped
• Backside of the bird will have been blown open
• Skewers will be protruding from the wall opposite the oven
• Oven door will be lying on the kitchen floor

[Witness Despoiler]

The 12 Days Of Christmas (For the politically correct)


On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

[Sedim]

JFDL!!!!!!